I’m only about halfway through this now, but boy do I have the biggest rant prepared so far. Somehow, this book has managed to have a worse protagonist than the author’s Tiger’s Curse series, has been more racist than said series, and yet is somehow also twice as hilarious.
In any case, I can tell right now that this book is going to be 1 star in terms of actual plot and characters, and 5 stars in terms of sheer enjoyment.
Some of my favorite quotes (with my reactions in parentheses):
“Even though I was very picky, wore only designer clothes, and had a monthly allowance bigger than what most people my age earned in a year, I was by no means a snob.” (Are you sure? Really? 100%?)
“Hooded hazel eyes, at that moment more green than brown, beneath a strong brow pinned me with a gaze that was both intelligent and almost predatory.” (This man is Egyptian, from a time when there was no marriage between races. ???? ?? ?????)
“I was about to tell him where he could go stick his arrogant attitude along with his sexy accent, when he gave me the piercing gaze again.” (Please kill me. Just kill me. I can’t.)
“If I were like the other girls at my school, I would have been in tears, but instead, my mind filled with questions. This was how I dealt with stressful situations. I calmly thought things through until I found a solution.” (She’s so special, guys. She’s not vapid and shallow like those other bitches at her school! She’s smart! She can actually remain calm!)
“Chuckling, Herb walked me to the hotel’s golden doors. ‘I’d believe anything you told me. You aren’t one of those dramatic young women always vying for attention.'” (Are you sure, Herb? Are you really sure?)
“To me, a home was a quiet place with a yard, a fence, and a dog. And not one of those sissy dogs that ride in purses, either. A real home needed a real dog, like maybe a German shepherd or a Doberman- a big dog that would slobber all over its owner, dig up the yard, and wait patiently by the window to welcome its master home.” (Honestly, I’m just mad that she dissed small dogs. They’re so cute!)
“‘A desert lily need not turn jealous eyes toward the common violet.'” -Amon (I just don’t understand how he thinks she’s a “desert lily” at all. She’s literally the most idiotic protagonist ever.)
Also from Amon: “‘Lily, are you perhaps a goddess residing in a modern form?'” (How? Just how?)
“‘Whoa, there! Wait a just a minute, Mister I Dream of Jeannie.'” (Who talks like this?)
“‘Quit analyzing me, Sigmund Freud.'” (Again, who talks like this?)
“I’d expected his style to be exotic and very different from modern dancing, but I hadn’t expected that he would be doing a male version of belly dancing.” (???? ??? ????)
“Eventually, I crawled into bed, sinking into a fitful sleep, and dreamed that my tears were enough to fill the Nile.” (Such dramatics.)
“My classmates would be shaking in their designer shoes at the thought of trekking through the desert and entering an unexcavated tomb.” (You don’t even know your classmates. You’ve never tried to get to know them.)
“He wanted me to accept his ancient notions of duty and obligation and let it go, but I was a modern girl, which meant I wasn’t going to sit like a princess who needed saving and pine for something I wanted.” (But that’s exactly what you’ve been doing. And what you’re still doing.)
“‘No!’ Dr. Hassan paled.” (This is just reaching My Immortal levels of bad writing.)
The sheer amount of bad and racist and just really problematic stuff in this book is a little ridiculous, but I can’t stop reading. It’s just too amusing. My rant is getting longer and longer by the page, and it’s gonna be…interesting.